Flagellants, known as the Brothers of the Cross, scourging themselves as they walk through the streets in order to free the world from the Black Death. (Photo by Ann Ronan Pictures/Print Collector/Getty Images)
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Now in our gloomy age of endless traffic congestion, retro-socialism, and retail pandemic terror — a dark night made even darker by the waxen heads manning every evening news desk in the television universe — the average citizen has some critical choices to make. To wit: shall we live in terror of Covid-19? Shall we gnash our teeth and rend our garments and join the Brothers of the Cross, flagellating ourselves in the town plaza to free the world of cold viruses and single use plastic bags, whipping our flesh to beat back the growing tide of human poop and hypodermic needles on our municipal sidewalks, to end forever the horrors of red meat and chevy suburbans, of plastic straws and emerging hemorrhagic fevers? Shall we don aluminum foil deflector beanies to block unwanted signals from the mothership? Shall we stock up on surplus Czech gas masks and boxes of steel cut oatmeal and build Faraday cages in our basements? Shall we submit our lowly petitions to Princess Alexa Who Listens and ban dodgeball in the gymnasium? Should we build Silkwood showers in the foyers of our 3 bedroom, 2 bath, zeroscaped Seabreeze model Ranch houses in the sweaty HOAs of Rancho Cucamonga?
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